Jillian points
at the window sticker on the blue Town and Country minivan in front of us. The sticker consists of a white stick figure family all with big smiling faces. “Look, Mommy! They have three kids and a dog!”
“Uh huh.” I say. I’ve begun to see this type of “family advertisement” everywhere and it irks me.

Ever since people began to drive automobiles marketers have carefully designed campaigns to associate a certain type of automobile with a certain type of person. We all know that mini-vans are “mom-mobiles” and that bald-headed men over 35 like to trade in sedans for flashy sports cars. (Ok, I know, not all moms drive mini-vans and not all bald-headed men drive sports cars– but, you get the point.)

But, now that the type of car one drives is not enough of a statement. There is a trend toward affixing identity banners to one’s car. We’ve all seen the “My Child is an Honor Student at (fill in the blank) school.” Some car owners prefer the vanity plate approach. I’ve nearly had car accidents trying to decipher them (i.e. “1 GR8MOM” and “2FST4U”). There are license plate holders trimmed in the names of colleges or other institutions (“U of Michigan Alumnae-Go Blue!”). Still others love those white oval stickers with the simple black lettering informing a passerby of where the driver vacations or has as second home -(PB) or (TI)- you figure it out.

Bumper stickers with peace signs, Barack Obama’s name, and all types of political, social and religious commentary are common-place as are the ever present Jesus fish metal car accessories. All contain pieces of information the car owner wants to convey about herself.

In the grocery store parking lot, I notice two other family-sticker cars. One, an SUV, has a mommy and daddy toting brief cases (double-income couple, I presume) and three boys: one with soccer ball, one with baseball bat and one with a guitar. An old green mini-van has a sticker with two dogs, one cat, a daddy who works, a mommy who runs, two daughters (one a tennis player and the other a dancer) and a baby of unknown gender.

The anorectic white figures (do they come in other colors?) get me thinking about my own family. It’s true that when asked (and aren’t we all asked way too often) what my kids “do,” I have a very clear answer. Alexa is a dancer, Claire dances too, but is also an artist, and Jillian plays piano (she just started, really) and dances. I finish off with, “and all three swim.”

When I walk away from these conversations, I have a yucky sense that I’m too quickly giving into convention by classifying my kids in this way. Of course my girls are so much more than an activity (that they may or may not like to do, but that they are committed to for a nine month period since deposits are non-refundable.)

Coming up with clear answers when asked who we are is part of our social make-up. It starts early on and never really ends. “Where do you/did you go to school?” “Where do you live?” “Where did you grow up?” “What temple/mosque/church do you attend?” “Are you a democrat?” “What do you do?” What we really want to know is: “Are you making more/less money than I am?” “Are you smarter, deeper, more religious or philanthropic than I am?” “Are you happier with your children, spouse or life?” “Are you having more/less sex?”

What I would really like to see is an honest stick figure sticker representation of an American family. Maybe it looks like this: Stick figure Daddy stressing over bills, stick figure Mommy laying exhausted on a sofa with a martini, stick figure big brother smoking pot in his bedroom, stick figure little brother hitting stick figure big sister who has cell phone stuck to her ear, and stick figure puppy making a stick figure poop on the living room carpet. That, along with one of those bumper stickers that reads: “Daddy Farted and We Can ‘t Get Out” really makes my day.